Matrimonial Malfunction
by annyenil
Summary: Marriage Consultation? For Kuchiki Byakuya? What on earth has been arranged......? Or is there another purpose behind this annoying, filthy visitor?


Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach

**Matrimonial Malfunction**

By annyenil

"Kuchiki-sama, I have made arrangements for you."

"For?" The Head of Kuchiki clan glanced up from his desk, his face smooth and expressionless as usual. It had been a rather eventless day. Renji was out on a mission with Rukia, Yachiru was busy with her Ken-chan, most of his Division had shirked off duties and nobody else had ever dared disrupt Byakuya's stately presence. His questioning eyes would have caused anybody to tremble and collapse in fear, but not Old Man Sato had served at the Kuchiki Residence for centuries, tolerating and assisting each peculiar Head of the Kuchiki clan.

In his eyes, this young man was one to be respected, but never feared. "Kuchiki-sama, your Consultant will arrive in about an hour."

"Sato-san, Consultant?" Byakuya always increased his taciturnity whenever he tried to mask his emotions. In this case, Old Man Sato guessed it would be curiosity. His eyes twinkled, his Taichou could do with a little surprise and chaos in his orderly, regimental life. He bowed and left the room, leaving a Byakuya silently wondering what Old Man Sato was up to again. His answer came in the form of an old, wrinkled man clad in tattered rags, carrying a large leather bound book in one hand, and a patched-up cane in the other.

"Byakuya-san, nice to meet you. I am your Marriage Consultant. My name is Tsukuyo Minomikoto. Please call me Koto-san. It is my great pleasure and honour to work for you." Tsukuyo stuck out his hand. Byakuya glanced down at this filthy, uncouth……_thing_ with his nostrils and considered Senbonzakura-ing Old Man Sato, if Sato hadn't always slipped him the candy used as bait to rid his room of Yachiru.

"I am sorry, I am not in need of a Marriage Consultant, because currently I am not involved in any matrimonial ties." Byakuya began advancing on the man, trying to drive him out of his room. But this man seemed not to be intimidated by anything at all.

"Oh no, no, no. Byakuya-san, my dear boy. Why don't we sit down and have a nice chat?"

A displeasured crease had surfaced on Byakuya's face at the mention of himself as a "boy". Who did this man think he is? Barging into his room and advising him on a non-existent, long-deceased marriage? Just as he was about to draw his sword in fury, something caught his eyes. Tsukuyo was holding something before his nose……something that oddly resembled a naked baby Byakuya. The Kuchiki "boy" immediately reached for the picture, but the old man dodged amazingly agilely and smirked. "Trying to get rid of me? Ain't so easy……my dear boy, I've got you figured out. Now let's sit down and have a chat."

Byakuya found himself sitting down opposite the man with alarming obedience, in fear of other chicaneries up his sleeve. "How…how may I help you, Tsukuyo-san?" Byakuya choked a little at having to be in the vicinity of someone who appeared not to have bathed for as long as he had lived.

"Now, Byakuya-san. I know what we are talking about here is something very difficult to broach, but I wish that your lips will utter only the truth, the truth that is anchored deep in your heart."

"……"

"Ah, I have forgotten," the man slapped his forehead in exasperation. "I am your Matchmaker, Byakuya-san."

Byakuya blinked. A matchmaker? Why would he need a matchmaker? He had Hisana.

"The cold hard facts are before you, Byakuya-san. You are in need of a wife. As the last descendant and heir of the Kuchiki clan, you need to pass on your heritage, or that will signify the end of the Kuchiki clan when you depart from this world. Rukia is not a true Kuchiki, boy, you are left with no choice."

"And here, boy," Tsukuyo slammed his book onto the one-million-dollar pure black cherry wooden table, swirling up a cloud of dust that choked Byakuya into a fit of coughs, "Here is the data I have collected for you. Let us go through them."

Byakuya could only stare as Tsukuyo opened his mysterious book of research. "Ahh. Candidate Number One, Ise Nanao, fukutaichou of the Eighth Division. Perfect for you. She is capable, responsible, and enjoys keeping things in an orderly fashion."

"But……she……Kyouraku Taichou……"

"I see. So you complain that she isn't exciting enough? You are a naughty boy, Byakuya-san."

"No, I meant……" Byakuya decided to keep his mouth watertight to prevent any other information from leaking to any avid women organizations in Sereitei. This man before him……he was a lunatic. Byakuya's hope of getting a quiet afternoon was completely quelled.

"How about this, Byakuya-san?" Tsukuyo flipped to another page, "Soifon, taichou of the Second Division and the Secret Mobile Corps. Now she is one exciting woman, and extremely strong too. I guarantee you, boy, that you will never rest a night in peace." The old man winked, and Byakuya could taste regurgitation squirming up his throat.

"No comment? Ah, I know. You prefer the _bigger_ ones? I understand, Byakuya-san, I completely understand. The desires and impulsiveness of a young man like you……"

Byakuya buried his face in his hands and rubbed his eyes. He began to wonder if he was sitting in his old, familiar room, or a musky, disdainful brothel.

"Here you go. The best you get in Sereitei. Matsumoto Rangiku. Young, flamboyant and extremely attractive."

"She is attached……"

"No worries, boy. You just speak the word, and it can be arranged."

"How can it be arranged? He is in Hueco Mondo……"

"Ah, boy. Not to worry. If you like it, we can get it for you." There he went again, he winked again.

"All right, Byakuya-san, so you prefer Rangiku-san? That was quite simple, wasn't it?"

"No! No, no. I do not want Matsumoto fukutaichou. Or anybody else."

"Ah, boy, you are a picky one. How about this one, she is extremely cute and sweet."

Byakuya glanced at the picture of Kusajishi Yachiru and glared at the man before him.

How he wished Hisana never left him. Those sincere, sweet eyes of hers, that gentle, careful touch, those softly spoken words, and the smooth, silky black hair he used to stroke. Byakuya knew in his heart that he would never want anybody else other than his deceased wife. Nobody could ever be like her, nobody could be his ideal other than Kuchiki Hisana. Tsukuyo observed Byakuya with an almost anomalous solemnity that nearly startled him. His eyes were full of quiet sympathy.

"I know what you are thinking, boy. But she is gone, she will never come back."

"…………"

"Well……it can be arranged."

"Really? You can bring her back?" Kuchiki Byakuya had not expressed such an earnest and boyish countenance in ages, ages.

"No……"

"Then how……?"

"Ah, Byakuya-san. Have you forgotten? There is somebody who looks exactly like her. If you like her type, then Ru-"

Poor old Tsukuyo never finished his sentence, because at the mention of his sister, Byakuya hoisted him straight out of his window in a very surly and un-noble manner. He ran a hand through his hair and sat back down, thinking about what had just taken place in his room.

"Sato-san." He bellowed. A grinning Sato-san entered.

"Please do not arrange these sorts of matters again."

"Hai, Kuchiki-sama."

Byakuya glanced at his sky-high pile of paperwork and sighed.

Wives can wait.


End file.
